Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights and listening to the sounds of the season, a familiar old man fell through my chimney. He was fat and jolly and had a red coat on. If I have to tell you who he is, you're probably a Jew. When I was much younger, I was told a lie- that Santa Claus didn't exist. This was the worst thing anyone had ever said to me. I knew it couldn't be true, or the cookies would still be on the table in the morning. Any doubts I had about Santa were immediately erased when he appeared in my fireplace, which again invites a Jewish reference. I will refrain. Santa told me he was having a bad day, so we smoked a joint and talked about it. Apparently, he had shown up a few days earlier to an African American family's home and they turned him away because they only celebrate Kwanzaa. Santa must've seen my lights from his sleigh and heard my loud music, but he had arrived for a different reason- a Christmas reason. He told me that many of his "Dear Santa" letters asked for me to blog again for Christmas, and that in order to answer these prayers, most coming from upper class white people, I would have to write about Christmas. So, in the spirit of both Christmas and Santa Claus, I'll put something in your stocking. Let's talk about stupid minority holidays that overshadow Christmas, and the politically correct defenders of such horrible days.
First of all, Christmas should be the whole month of December. The last day of November can be called Christmas Eve and every day after is Christmas. If black people can have a whole month to celebrate their history, then why can't Santa? It's not fair. Black people have hated Santa and Christmas since the Civil War, when Santa had to free all of his black elves. This cost Santa a lot of money, especially when he had to hire new elves and pay them wages. Lucky for him, the Mexican elves would work for next to nothing, and that's where the downward spiral of Christmas began. Then the blacks became African Americans and made up a day called Kwanzaa to ruin Christmas, and now that there's a Kwanzaa celebrator in the White House, Christmas may be lost forever. I'm not saying the only way to keep Christmas alive is to paint "COLORED" on certain bathroom doors and divide the schools. I know this will lead to protest, mainly by the Kardashian sisters, who wouldn't have been allowed to marry their husbands 60 years ago, let alone be on television. Those girls are lucky they were born in this time, especially since murder has become more difficult to pull off. A hundred years ago, they would've been called nigger lovers and lynched on a Saturday night. Lucky for us, society has improved a little bit, but we can't let them push us all the way. If we're gonna allow them to be free in our country, then they better back off of our holidays, or move it to a different month, how about February?
If Christmas was every day of December, we would get so many presents and have a lot of school off. Not to mention, the time we did have off school would be called a Christmas break, instead of one of those bull shit holiday breaks. There's only one holiday to celebrate- and that's Christmas, the best two days of the year, three if you count "Boxing Day" which is really just for spending gift cards. That's a day I'll keep on the calendar. Nobody has ever really cared about Boxing Day and nobody ever will. The ones who celebrate it don't care if you don't wish them a good one. They know you celebrate Christmas. That should be something you can assume in people, even the ones with the blankets over their hair. Christmas is an American tradition, who cares if some people don't celebrate it? I can't go over to Germany and protest Oktoberfest because I'm an American and I'm offended by it. They don't fucking care, why should we? This is America, and in America we celebrate the New Year, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day, Grandparent's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, I know I'm out of order at this point, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, also known as Homeless Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve and the mother fucking Fourth of July. So take those silly towels off of your head and put some ornaments on your Christmas tree.
If Christmas is only two days, how come Hanukkah is eight days long? Is it our way of making up the time the Jews had taken from them in the Holocaust? Like, sorry about those years of imprisonment, we'll give you eight special days every year for the rest of time to make up for it. Look at the bright side, they have no family members to buy presents for. Sure, you've got no one to spin the dreidel with, but you've got a lot more money in your pocket, and since you're a Jew, I'm gonna guess you're happy about that. Anyway, Hanukkah or Chanukah, however you want to say it, is really just an excuse for half Jews with one Christian parent to have ten days of holiday cheer. Besides that, it's another way of ostracizing Jews from the community. It's a nicer way of building bricks around their neighborhoods, and that's fine with me, but have it in August or September, and don't tell anybody about it. The last thing you want people to find out is that you're Jewish, you never know when you'll show up on a sign with a $500 reward. To an innocent American, that's five hundred dollars worth of more Christmas presents, and there's no Jew in the world worthy of giving that up.
There's also a day called Yule which was started as a ritual for pagans, so maybe there's space in December for that, too. There's also that awkward Pearl Harbor anniversary, but most of the people who died that day were white, so I don't think they'll mind sharing the day with Christmas. World AIDS Day is on the calendar too, but since they identify with the color red, we'll let them stay. You can also find Human Rights Day, but instead of moving that to a different month, let's just get rid of it altogether. Now that I've delivered this message, Santa has come off of his high, and he's ready to fly back to the North Pole. When he gets there, he'll be greeted by a herd of Mexican elves and reindeer. They'll get back to making their toys with only a few days to spare, and on the night before Christmas, Santa will come down your chimney and eat the cookies you have left for him, which he enjoys much more when they're tampered with, or following a generous blunt. And the next morning, a bunch of white people and assimilating minorities will wake up and open their presents from Santa Claus, one of which is this blog entry. Maybe this year people will realize the true meaning of Christmas and the month of December. It's not a time to light candles and be black, it's a time to get presents and play in the snow. If snow were any other color, we'd all hate it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
