Salsa and French Fries

There is something fascinating about fast food. I don't know if I say that because I was born to be a fat ass, or because of my former love affair with a fine lady named Mary Jane. Either way, there is something fascinating about fast food. You may hate it, you may love it, but either way you prefer it, you have to admit, it's fucking incredible. When you are hungry, and you've got some spare change, not to mention a car, going to a fast food restaurant is the ONLY solution. And for the time being, it always satisfies your undeniable craving... and then makes you feel sick afterward, but that is a different topic and a form of negativity I will not be expressing for such a luxurious industry.

But I am not really talking about fast food today. I am talking about the people who hand it out the window to you... I am talking particularly McDonald's, and a bit Taco Bell, but technically, I give these individuals a full pardon to serve gorditas and burritos. I am talking about the people I avoided conflicting with in my anti-Asian rice blog (I am giving you Asians the day off... You are welcome). These people can be seen mowing lawns, painting houses, or holding cardboard signs outside of the Seven Eleven... Okay, I am being stereotypical again... and I am not talking about crack heads... I am talking about Mexicans.

There are several types of Mexicans... Just as there are different types of white people. You've got the Mexican-Americans, who I am not addressing one bit, because they are a little more advanced in their humanity, and represent a hyphenated ethnicity, which derives from a successful job interview, or legal citizenship. I am also not referring to my good pals at Fiesta Mexicana, for if you are Mexican and serving Mexican food... thank you for keeping it natural. I am talking about the specific individuals who find salvation at classy fast food joints... Now, don't start giving me this shit about how they are working for their family and what not, because that is completely irrelevant to my point. If you want to make money for your family, go to Taco Bell or Del Taco or wherever the fuck your belonging makes sense, but leave my McDonald's alone.

It is extremely difficult when making an order, especially when the order is caused by a severe desire to eat, brought on only by special herbs. But, you know what I mean. You pull up to the little order window, which conveniently displays what you order for accuracy. Thank you, McDonald's... Corporate McDonald's... White people who work for corporate McDonald's. Even though the screen is there, they usually end up fucking up your order. It's so odd to me... You were able to get past our tough homeland security, but you are unable to make my snack wrap right? What the hell, Mexicans... Give me a reason to believe in you.

So I guess you could say my fear is focused on the future. For only in my deepest nightmares would I find myself at a drive-thru at McDiego's, ordering a chicken sandwich, which takes a few minutes since they've gotta cut the head off first... Then I proceed to the first window, pay with my collection of pesos that I stole from my mother's purse, which she stole from your mother's purse, and then I continue on to the second window, awaiting the arrival of my "fresh" food. They ask if I want salsa with my French fries... And then I wake up in a pool of sweat and a mind full of fear. That is some Freddy Kruger shit right there. So I guess if you're thinking about clicking the "offensive" button below, go ahead, just make sure you get my order right next time.

It's the End of the World.

Before I begin, I am proud to say I have one blog view from the country of South Korea. Though that may not seem like a big deal, you're right, it's not... but 29 views from Canada is offensive. As a near-resident of Canada, I would expect a more polite following. But to the people in the USA, thank you very much, for I have received nearly 2,000 views over the week from this country... My audience began as mostly Asian, but following my dog comment, I have lost most of them to other blogs, mainly the ones with good poodle recipes, and what not, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

And although the one view from The Netherlands, Italy, Spain, and South Korea, may mean nothing, it is still pretty cool that our internet can be so involved, and knowing that one guy from The Netherlands is sitting down in front of his computer, eating a hash brownie, and reading what shit I have to say... is a compliment in its own. I suppose this is me looking at things positively for a change, because there is so much going on, and sometimes I don't take the time to just relax and look at things in a certain way, so today, that is what I am going to do.

This brings me to my first piece of this... Regarding this whole mosque building near the grounds of 9/11. I like MTV's bullshit campaign to say that Islam did not do this to our country... hate did, which is true. However, MTV, you are campaigning to a bunch of fucking idiots who take serious pleasure in characters such as Snooki and J-Wowwwwwww, not to mention, having TV shows where six more fucking idiots are flipping cards over to see which one of them has to do a ridiculous game, and on top of all that, the complete douche of a host, who is Asian, needless to say. And yes, I do realize that by displaying this amount of knowledge for this stupidity, I am indeed accepting my role as a fucking idiot, but certainly not to the extent of many other people... people who think TWILIGHT is a good film, but I am not going to get started on that right now, I will end up breaking my laptop.

So to the supporters of the mosque, and to the Muslim people, I respect your culture yada yada yada, and whatever else you need me to say in order for me to be kind, but build your damn mosque elsewhere. I realize Islam is NOT to blame for the September 11th terrorist attacks, but although unrelated, it is still inappropriate... Next, we will be building gas stations next to concentration camps. I think you can get my connection there. Unrelated... inappropriate. Take notice, Muslims. I am not bashing your religion or any non-extremist Islam supporters, but I am supporting the cause of America, and I'd rather give the little consideration I have to the friends and families of 9/11 victims instead.

"What if?" is a usual question brought up in the minds of splendid fourteen year old girls who are having really horrible relationship situations, and the question is brought up when regarding other unimportant things, like, "What if I would've gone to bed earlier last night?" The answer to that question is, I would've made it to my first class this morning. But since I didn't, and it is my first missed class, I will simply lay back and say, "I don't give a fuck. I am going to die in 2012 anyway." My sincerest apologies to Dr. Elston and the rest of my sociology class, I shall grace you with my unfortunate presence on Wednesday morning. Back on topic... there are many people who hate thinking "What if," because it no longer matters to them. But what happens when we ask the question when it actually regards something important, something that could've changed the world... and not just how one day in a week went. For example:

What if Hitler would've been hugged more as a child?

Besides the fact that there would be more lawyers and bankers, there would be an overall larger Jewish population, not to mention, my gas station statement wouldn't have made sense. What if Al Gore would've been elected President? What if Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift would've gotten married?!?! Okay, scratch that last piece of bull shit, and I will continue. Maybe we should ask this question a lot more... but instead of after the fact, maybe we should do it before, because if we stop and take the time to actually think about it, maybe it will answer our question before we ever need to ask it.

So to Hitler's mother, you fucking bitch, hug your son, make him cookies, maybe lock him in the basement for a couple years and see how the fuck he likes it... To Al Gore, besides the fact that you are a raging homosexual, I am sorry you lost the election and couldn't save the world from global warming. Because of it, we are all going to die now, so thank you Florida. And to one citizen of Florida, thank you for being a fucking idiot and publicly announcing the burning of the Quran. I think I speak for everyone, besides your large parish of 50 people, when I say, go kill yourself. But before you do it, I have something else you can burn... Twilight. And to the many people who read Twilight, I am sure the books are absolutely brilliant and worthy of praise, but the movies are fucked shit and you should be ashamed of your kind. Well, that's all for my bitching for the day, I have to go... Jersey Shore is on.

Rest in Peace, Reverse Cowgirl

Sex is like coffee. And as you read that, I am sure you are wondering why. There are not many reasons, besides the fact that it's hot and can be addicting. But there is one more reason... and that reason has developed strongly over time. A friend pointed me in the direction of a ridiculous coffee order, which went a little something like this: A quad shot in a large cup, two shots which were decaf, one which was hot water, the last which was raspberry flavoring. It was half steamed soy milk and half whole milk, half of the chocolate was white, the other dark... Shut the fuck up and order a regular coffee, please. So that brings me to the newest reason why coffee is like sex... Traditional simplicity has stopped being enough for people, and because of that, these new crazy flavors have to be enacted... which brings me to the topic of sexual fetishes.

It is clear that normal sex just isn't enough for people anymore. It bores them. So, of course, the only way to have more fun with it, is to make it a little more interesting... which could include a number of things. Shows like "True Blood," have shown people how much fun it is to bite during sex and bleed all over each other. But that is one of those crazy fetishes, that only a select few couples decide to do. Low key fetishes, that more people seem to be into, are just regular things like feet. Ever gotten a foot job? I haven't... but it looks rather fascinating. There are also people who like licking feet and what not, which I think is acceptable, but only if they are clean. However, in Africa, most villagers don't wear shoes, therefore I think we can trace their AIDS issue to some dirty foot jobs.

Another well known fetish is the awful enjoyment of bondage/domination. People enjoy getting whipped while they fuck, I guess... the orgasm just isn't enough for people anymore. If you aren't hitting her clit with a hammer, she's going to leave you unsatisfied. And if she's a big girl, you better whip out that shovel. The whole idea of "pleasureful rape" is so odd to me, but I don't speak for everyone. I guess growing up with a cop as a father, the idea of being handcuffed to a bed isn't something that sounds exciting... or sexy.

Although these fetishes make me smirk, it is the collection of relatively unknown ones that do the trick for me. Necrophilia is the sexual attraction to corpses. This brings a whole new term to Will Ferrel's "funeral crashing," for now I am picturing a guy creepily crawling into a casket to make love to a lifeless body. Yes... NECROPHILIA IS REAL. So the next time you see a guy wanking it in a cemetery, you will most likely appreciate being alive more.

There is also the odd interest in excrement and vomit. People seem to shit on each other for sexual pleasure. I thought that whole "dump on your chest," thing was just a funny line from Not Another Teen Movie, which, speaking of fetishes, featured a very sexy lesbian scene between an old lady and a hot teenager. But never mind about that now... Formocophilia is the enjoyment of having insects crawl on you while having sex. This usually occurs in poor countries, since their homes are insect infested anyway. The bugs are like part of their family. They eat with them. They shower with them... and now we learn, they fuck with them too.

If ever boredom strikes your mind, and nothing seems interesting to you, and you mope around wishing there was something fascinating you could do, type in squashing on google images. This will give you a fine collection of piercing images starring a very large woman and a very skinny man. The idea of this was so sexy to me, I waited outside of the Biggest Loser auditions for hours, waiting to pick up a few females before the show took out the best in them.

Other fucked up fucking pleasures include dressing up like animals and fucking, a roman shower, which is vomiting on someone sexually, because that is so desirable, and my personal favorite fuck fetish... teratophilia, which is the delicious attraction to people with deformities, such as amputees. However, there is a downside to teratophilia, and that is if you are also into feet, because you may not be getting a foot job from an amputee.

So where can you find all of these fascinating things to explore? Like coffee shops are here for our complicated orders, there is a wide variety of pornography for our fetish orders as well. Anything can be found on the internet, most likely including all of the things that I have discussed today. So if you're wondering why your girlfriend is pissing all over you while you read this, it could be one of two answers. The first, is that she may have read this post just ten minutes before you, and is inspired to spice up your sex life by donating her bodily fluids. The second, is because it's sexy.

She Must Like Rice

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