Rest in Peace, Reverse Cowgirl

Sex is like coffee. And as you read that, I am sure you are wondering why. There are not many reasons, besides the fact that it's hot and can be addicting. But there is one more reason... and that reason has developed strongly over time. A friend pointed me in the direction of a ridiculous coffee order, which went a little something like this: A quad shot in a large cup, two shots which were decaf, one which was hot water, the last which was raspberry flavoring. It was half steamed soy milk and half whole milk, half of the chocolate was white, the other dark... Shut the fuck up and order a regular coffee, please. So that brings me to the newest reason why coffee is like sex... Traditional simplicity has stopped being enough for people, and because of that, these new crazy flavors have to be enacted... which brings me to the topic of sexual fetishes.

It is clear that normal sex just isn't enough for people anymore. It bores them. So, of course, the only way to have more fun with it, is to make it a little more interesting... which could include a number of things. Shows like "True Blood," have shown people how much fun it is to bite during sex and bleed all over each other. But that is one of those crazy fetishes, that only a select few couples decide to do. Low key fetishes, that more people seem to be into, are just regular things like feet. Ever gotten a foot job? I haven't... but it looks rather fascinating. There are also people who like licking feet and what not, which I think is acceptable, but only if they are clean. However, in Africa, most villagers don't wear shoes, therefore I think we can trace their AIDS issue to some dirty foot jobs.

Another well known fetish is the awful enjoyment of bondage/domination. People enjoy getting whipped while they fuck, I guess... the orgasm just isn't enough for people anymore. If you aren't hitting her clit with a hammer, she's going to leave you unsatisfied. And if she's a big girl, you better whip out that shovel. The whole idea of "pleasureful rape" is so odd to me, but I don't speak for everyone. I guess growing up with a cop as a father, the idea of being handcuffed to a bed isn't something that sounds exciting... or sexy.

Although these fetishes make me smirk, it is the collection of relatively unknown ones that do the trick for me. Necrophilia is the sexual attraction to corpses. This brings a whole new term to Will Ferrel's "funeral crashing," for now I am picturing a guy creepily crawling into a casket to make love to a lifeless body. Yes... NECROPHILIA IS REAL. So the next time you see a guy wanking it in a cemetery, you will most likely appreciate being alive more.

There is also the odd interest in excrement and vomit. People seem to shit on each other for sexual pleasure. I thought that whole "dump on your chest," thing was just a funny line from Not Another Teen Movie, which, speaking of fetishes, featured a very sexy lesbian scene between an old lady and a hot teenager. But never mind about that now... Formocophilia is the enjoyment of having insects crawl on you while having sex. This usually occurs in poor countries, since their homes are insect infested anyway. The bugs are like part of their family. They eat with them. They shower with them... and now we learn, they fuck with them too.

If ever boredom strikes your mind, and nothing seems interesting to you, and you mope around wishing there was something fascinating you could do, type in squashing on google images. This will give you a fine collection of piercing images starring a very large woman and a very skinny man. The idea of this was so sexy to me, I waited outside of the Biggest Loser auditions for hours, waiting to pick up a few females before the show took out the best in them.

Other fucked up fucking pleasures include dressing up like animals and fucking, a roman shower, which is vomiting on someone sexually, because that is so desirable, and my personal favorite fuck fetish... teratophilia, which is the delicious attraction to people with deformities, such as amputees. However, there is a downside to teratophilia, and that is if you are also into feet, because you may not be getting a foot job from an amputee.

So where can you find all of these fascinating things to explore? Like coffee shops are here for our complicated orders, there is a wide variety of pornography for our fetish orders as well. Anything can be found on the internet, most likely including all of the things that I have discussed today. So if you're wondering why your girlfriend is pissing all over you while you read this, it could be one of two answers. The first, is that she may have read this post just ten minutes before you, and is inspired to spice up your sex life by donating her bodily fluids. The second, is because it's sexy.