I don't think I would ever want to be President of the United States. I'm sure if I ran, which would require a lot of prestige and success... Never mind about that presidency thing. But if I ever get picked to be Vice President, or become the ambassador to some foreign country (hopefully Egypt or Iran) I wish I could put notes in the suggestion box for how to handle these international affairs. Now before you get the wrong idea, my suggestions would not be considerably "intelligent" and/or "reasonable." I would think all these foreign enemies should get locked in a room with blunts and red cups. When you opened the door in the morning, Iran would be passed out on the floor in a pile of vomit and Egypt would probably have started a bunch of fires and made signs protesting the hangover. However, nobody in international politics seems to think this way, so instead we just put a bunch of crazy mother fuckers in a room with bombs and buildings and a bunch of civilians and CNN reporters, and we just wait until the last person is standing. It's kind of thrilling to see who will outlast all the others...
I know Egypt is in an alliance with the United States. I also know that I watched a bunch of Survivor during my lifetime, and alliances are as meaningless as Christianity. All we have to do is take that slow motion walk to where the votes are, past a bunch of intensely burning torches, look into the camera, write down EGYPT, put it in the box, sit back down, and watch Egypt's torch get burnt out. The tribe has spoken. The world has spoken. Egypt used to seem like a cool country to me, building pyramids and shit. I like their animal deities and all of their history, but all that interesting stuff is long over. Today, Egypt is just a regular country that doesn't build pyramids, therefore, I don't really care if all of their people are jumping into fire pits and into car windshields. These Egyptians are crazy. I say they have nothing to complain about. I remember all those slaves in "The Prince of Egypt," carrying heavy blocks from A to B, getting whipped and harassed. If I were one of those people, I would get angry and throw shit too, but since that was two billion years ago (false) these people need to go home and stop complaining about their shitty government.
Iran is building bombs that will never get near our country. North Korea is run by the craziest family in the world. Egypt isn't building pyramids anymore. What other countries have problems? Oh yes, the United States of America. Our perfect domestic situation here allows us to devote all of our time to international relations. That is not true at all. There are homeless people everywhere, a bunch of kids living in poverty, leftist art teachers protesting the war, people getting arrested and incarcerated for possession of a plant, people are running into our country from every side. Just last week, I saw a small boat of Koreans pull into the beach. They had crossed the ocean from their home island, and no wave saw any obligation to drown them. What has become of this world? I will tell you. The United States needs to stop mothering everybody and go into a state of living I would like to call "Denmark." All those European countries are so much better than ours... They have higher speed limits (if none at all) a lower drinking age, and concentration camps. Who could ask for a better place? My first guess would be the Jews.
All I am saying is that the United States just needs to stop pissing people off and go into a quiet state where we don't think we need to run everything. So, Egypt may be our ally, but I would say we should just let it go up in flames. The best thing that could happen is that all of the people will die. A small group of Americans can relocate to Egypt, and slowly but surely colonize and build communities. When the time is right, they will commit treason and fight the United States for their own independence. Then they will become their own country that will later make everyone mad because it has to get in the way of everything. Nobody has the option of blowing us to a million pieces because we catch them before they even consider it. America is hovering over the rest of the world calling all the shots and crying about how "The Blind Side" didn't win the Oscar for Best Picture. Former superpowers of the world have abandoned this militaristic lifestyle and gone into hibernation. It's time America hibernates, however, without the food. Most Americans look like they've been hibernating for some decades now. We would all be peaceful and comfortable with life, not constantly worrying if some twelve year old Middle Eastern ruler is going to fuck all of our wives!
I usually don't take advice and order from those who seem incompetent. For example, taking advice on the stock market from a homeless person, or like being educated in a public high school. America can start calling the shots again when she looks more like those girls in magazines. How does she get there? Bulimia. She can throw up all 13 trillion zillion dollars of debt, a couple hundred thousand pounds, half of the Senate, and slavery. Once we get all of those things off our back, we can start being an international leader again. Until then, our country needs to start focusing on what matters and fix things on the home front. We aren't going to be capable of invading Africa if we keep getting fatter, dumber, and poorer. So, please, United States of America, stop trying to help other countries and focus on what is right here. When the homeless people are all in beds and the children are getting educated, we can start getting things done again. A billion dollars for Egypt to not build pyramids? No. A billion dollars for history textbooks for children, so they can see pictures of them.
welcome back :)
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