If only I could take a glimpse into my ten year high school reunion. There is just something about the idea of a reunion that excites me. Sure, I won’t show up if I haven’t done anything cool and if my wife is ugly. But, in the slim chance that I am an important person and can roll up in a Bentley with my trophy woman, I will certainly be attending, not only to see how everyone turned out, but to show off my excellence. I will display doubt for that lifestyle and disregard it for now, for I am more interested in the reunion that happens sooner. It’s not an organized gathering or anything, it’s just every day life... but it’s the one year reunion... the option to enter into my former town and see who of my graduating class brought home some very special friends from college... those friends are called pounds.
I am a strong believer in the freshmen fifteen. I am completely aware that it does not happen to everyone, and I am happy and proud to say that it hasn’t hit me yet, and I don’t think it will due to my high walking mileage and all of the repulsive hill areas around campus. My ankles may fall off due to the difficulty of walking, but at least I’ll be fifteen pounds less than everyone else... just in my wheelchair. Now, I may not get to ride roller coasters or go up the stairs ever again (Shout out to my favorite lunch table, even though I wasn’t actually in your lunch...) but at least I avoided the freshmen fifteen. There is a large amount of prestige behind that and I am willing to do whatever it takes to uphold that image. I would have to guess the reason I have not gained this extra weight is because I don’t have too much food in the room, and the food I do have is consumed at times when I am unaware, so when sobriety comes knocking on my door, there is no food to answer... this is probably a good thing. I haven’t noticed anyone here who has obtained this extra poundage, but if I could have, I would’ve taken a picture of every student on day one and compared it to day one hundred... I am sure there would be plenty of differences. Maybe the freshmen fifteen doesn’t exist in a place like this? But I know that when I return home, I will see the poor victims of this terrible disease, and I will probably diagnose the people, too. Someone better duct tape my mouth shut.
The victims usually have more than the poundage in common, and no offense and no fear to my lady friends, but that similarity is usually a vagina. Past victims of this freshmen contagion seem to be mostly girls, and the sad thing is how noticeable it is. I have very observant friends and we talk about everything... this isn’t gossip, this is conversation. The reason it isn’t gossip is clear. Gossip usually leads to the wrongful spreading of rumors... gossip would be the case if we were talking about someone hooking up with someone in someone’s parents’ bathtub, but we aren’t talking about that magical event, we are talking about extra poundage... extra visible poundage. If the rumors are being spread, guess what? Your stomach is the source.
So, to my fellow college freshmen, I say good luck. And to those of you who do not have to walk up stupid hills all the time and don’t maintain a stable eating pattern, I wish you even more luck, but I also thank you for the entertainment. The next time you are in the pasta line and your friend is getting a salad, maybe you should rethink what you are about to do. The benefit of dinner lines here is that they are so long that I usually end up eating white rice from the Asian section. Sure, I may not gain fifteen pounds, but the chances of me making shoes in a factory or masturbating to rice paddies are extremely high, and that is much more frightening than a thick gut. But, if you don’t have to worry about all the Asian shit and you’re just getting fat, do me one of two favors, and only one. The first thing you can do is stop, and allow your body to regain its former shape and excellence, or you could do an even bigger favor, not so much to yourself, however, and keep eating the way that you are, for the move from a million person city in Southern California to a small river town in Minnesota is going to require additional entertainment, and I shall find that from the new bonus features of your stomach.
I am a strong believer in the freshmen fifteen. I am completely aware that it does not happen to everyone, and I am happy and proud to say that it hasn’t hit me yet, and I don’t think it will due to my high walking mileage and all of the repulsive hill areas around campus. My ankles may fall off due to the difficulty of walking, but at least I’ll be fifteen pounds less than everyone else... just in my wheelchair. Now, I may not get to ride roller coasters or go up the stairs ever again (Shout out to my favorite lunch table, even though I wasn’t actually in your lunch...) but at least I avoided the freshmen fifteen. There is a large amount of prestige behind that and I am willing to do whatever it takes to uphold that image. I would have to guess the reason I have not gained this extra weight is because I don’t have too much food in the room, and the food I do have is consumed at times when I am unaware, so when sobriety comes knocking on my door, there is no food to answer... this is probably a good thing. I haven’t noticed anyone here who has obtained this extra poundage, but if I could have, I would’ve taken a picture of every student on day one and compared it to day one hundred... I am sure there would be plenty of differences. Maybe the freshmen fifteen doesn’t exist in a place like this? But I know that when I return home, I will see the poor victims of this terrible disease, and I will probably diagnose the people, too. Someone better duct tape my mouth shut.
The victims usually have more than the poundage in common, and no offense and no fear to my lady friends, but that similarity is usually a vagina. Past victims of this freshmen contagion seem to be mostly girls, and the sad thing is how noticeable it is. I have very observant friends and we talk about everything... this isn’t gossip, this is conversation. The reason it isn’t gossip is clear. Gossip usually leads to the wrongful spreading of rumors... gossip would be the case if we were talking about someone hooking up with someone in someone’s parents’ bathtub, but we aren’t talking about that magical event, we are talking about extra poundage... extra visible poundage. If the rumors are being spread, guess what? Your stomach is the source.
So, to my fellow college freshmen, I say good luck. And to those of you who do not have to walk up stupid hills all the time and don’t maintain a stable eating pattern, I wish you even more luck, but I also thank you for the entertainment. The next time you are in the pasta line and your friend is getting a salad, maybe you should rethink what you are about to do. The benefit of dinner lines here is that they are so long that I usually end up eating white rice from the Asian section. Sure, I may not gain fifteen pounds, but the chances of me making shoes in a factory or masturbating to rice paddies are extremely high, and that is much more frightening than a thick gut. But, if you don’t have to worry about all the Asian shit and you’re just getting fat, do me one of two favors, and only one. The first thing you can do is stop, and allow your body to regain its former shape and excellence, or you could do an even bigger favor, not so much to yourself, however, and keep eating the way that you are, for the move from a million person city in Southern California to a small river town in Minnesota is going to require additional entertainment, and I shall find that from the new bonus features of your stomach.
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