There are many of them living among us... but you may never know it if you don't look down. To be a "little" more clear, let me explain... I am talking about midgets. These half-people seem to be popping up everywhere... on their own TV shows, on public streets!, and most recently, Jackass 3-D, creating the finest scene in the film while displaying their crazy midget antics. I could avoid poking fun at these mythical creatures so I don't come off mean, but since I am sure they can't reach the computer on their desk, I don't think I'll have a problem talking about them, and if they do get upset about what I say, what are they going to do... punch my knee caps? I'll just grab them by the hair and throw them like a Nerf football... Imagine Brett Favre tossing one of those creatures... Okay, maybe Brett Favre isn't the example I am supposed to use... Alright, fuck it... Imagine Brett Favre tossing one of those creatures ten years ago. Okay, that's better. You could tell me that I am being a bully and that it's mean to laugh about their disability, but if God is real, he made them midgets... How can you be any meaner than that?
I have a good friend who has a vision. I don't think he shares it with many people... but I find it fascinating, which leads to me reporting it to all of you. He would like to re-create what MTV means and make his own network... Midget television. It would feature all of the popular shows of today, but would have entirely midget casts. Picture midgets on Survivor. If that image didn't bring a smile to your face, you're dead inside. And if you're dead inside, I will give you another opportunity to feel alive... Imagine "Dancing with the Stars," with midgets... Imagine "Jersey Shore," with midgets. Imagine any fucking show you like... and cut every cast member in half. Isn't it something... midget television may be the next best thing. We could have "The Bachelor," and the guy looking for a lady will be Wee-Man. We'll get twenty midget girls to win his heart... and then we'll make midget game shows and find a midget Oprah. If this network doesn't sound appealing to you... then you're an ass hole.
Midgets would get the opportunity to finally relate to the media instead of being in mediocre shows about themselves on TLC or any other channel that features false accounts of midget life. The shows would be full length in time... Just because the people are short, doesn't mean we will cut short the entertainment. Imagine if we threw in midget sports leagues... the MLB would have an entirely new meaning, and even in that league we would all hate the Yankees, regardless of their height. Midgets deserve the exact same air time as anyone else, and if Snooki can earn an hour on television, then so should all of the short mother fuckers on this planet. Now it looks like I am defending the midgets... I am not necessarily backing them up, but god dammit, watching midgets 24/7 on their own special network sounds like the type of fantasy you could only see on LSD. Midgets are just as interesting as everyone else... they're just shorter... and make you laugh more.
Not because they are funny, but because they are midgets. The other day I saw a midget on campus and automatically wanted to pull out my iPhone and photograph the event, then realized that wouldn't be appropriate... and might directly offend him. I figured I'd save that story for here in order to save my kneecaps... or balls. I almost forgot about my balls. I guess I better say this once... Don't fuck with midgets, especially if you have balls. Now I'm going to have to put on a nut cup everywhere I go due to the danger of midgets... and midgets seem to be doubling in population (not height) because they're just popping up everywhere. In fact, when I wrote that sentence, a midget climbed out from under the bed. Good thing my computer is on my lap or my dreams of having five children would be out the door. Fucking midgets...
Shows like "Little People, Big World," provide a large amount of entertainment for their audience. There is one huge (HA) problem though... it's not long enough. Having the option of watching midgets all day long makes having a hangover sound like the party of the year. You wake up, feel like you're in Hell, pop your fifteen Advils, and you curl up on the couch and spend the entire day enjoying midget television... Sounds like a middle school wet dream to me. So, the next time you are tying your shoes and you see one of these tiny specimens, give them some positive attention, because the attention they are used to are the sets of eyes watching in comical fascination as they live their short existences. The nicest thing you could do is shake their hand with your pinky, smile, and go on your own way, back to your living room to enjoy the greatest network on Earth... midget television.
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