The People who Stole Christmas

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights and listening to the sounds of the season, a familiar old man fell through my chimney. He was fat and jolly and had a red coat on. If I have to tell you who he is, you're probably a Jew. When I was much younger, I was told a lie- that Santa Claus didn't exist. This was the worst thing anyone had ever said to me. I knew it couldn't be true, or the cookies would still be on the table in the morning. Any doubts I had about Santa were immediately erased when he appeared in my fireplace, which again invites a Jewish reference. I will refrain. Santa told me he was having a bad day, so we smoked a joint and talked about it. Apparently, he had shown up a few days earlier to an African American family's home and they turned him away because they only celebrate Kwanzaa. Santa must've seen my lights from his sleigh and heard my loud music, but he had arrived for a different reason- a Christmas reason. He told me that many of his "Dear Santa" letters asked for me to blog again for Christmas, and that in order to answer these prayers, most coming from upper class white people, I would have to write about Christmas. So, in the spirit of both Christmas and Santa Claus, I'll put something in your stocking. Let's talk about stupid minority holidays that overshadow Christmas, and the politically correct defenders of such horrible days.

First of all, Christmas should be the whole month of December. The last day of November can be called Christmas Eve and every day after is Christmas. If black people can have a whole month to celebrate their history, then why can't Santa? It's not fair. Black people have hated Santa and Christmas since the Civil War, when Santa had to free all of his black elves. This cost Santa a lot of money, especially when he had to hire new elves and pay them wages. Lucky for him, the Mexican elves would work for next to nothing, and that's where the downward spiral of Christmas began. Then the blacks became African Americans and made up a day called Kwanzaa to ruin Christmas, and now that there's a Kwanzaa celebrator in the White House, Christmas may be lost forever. I'm not saying the only way to keep Christmas alive is to paint "COLORED" on certain bathroom doors and divide the schools. I know this will lead to protest, mainly by the Kardashian sisters, who wouldn't have been allowed to marry their husbands 60 years ago, let alone be on television. Those girls are lucky they were born in this time, especially since murder has become more difficult to pull off. A hundred years ago, they would've been called nigger lovers and lynched on a Saturday night. Lucky for us, society has improved a little bit, but we can't let them push us all the way. If we're gonna allow them to be free in our country, then they better back off of our holidays, or move it to a different month, how about February?

If Christmas was every day of December, we would get so many presents and have a lot of school off. Not to mention, the time we did have off school would be called a Christmas break, instead of one of those bull shit holiday breaks. There's only one holiday to celebrate- and that's Christmas, the best two days of the year, three if you count "Boxing Day" which is really just for spending gift cards. That's a day I'll keep on the calendar. Nobody has ever really cared about Boxing Day and nobody ever will. The ones who celebrate it don't care if you don't wish them a good one. They know you celebrate Christmas. That should be something you can assume in people, even the ones with the blankets over their hair. Christmas is an American tradition, who cares if some people don't celebrate it? I can't go over to Germany and protest Oktoberfest because I'm an American and I'm offended by it. They don't fucking care, why should we? This is America, and in America we celebrate the New Year, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo, Arbor Day, Grandparent's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, I know I'm out of order at this point, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, also known as Homeless Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve and the mother fucking Fourth of July. So take those silly towels off of your head and put some ornaments on your Christmas tree.

If Christmas is only two days, how come Hanukkah is eight days long? Is it our way of making up the time the Jews had taken from them in the Holocaust? Like, sorry about those years of imprisonment, we'll give you eight special days every year for the rest of time to make up for it. Look at the bright side, they have no family members to buy presents for. Sure, you've got no one to spin the dreidel with, but you've got a lot more money in your pocket, and since you're a Jew, I'm gonna guess you're happy about that. Anyway, Hanukkah or Chanukah, however you want to say it, is really just an excuse for half Jews with one Christian parent to have ten days of holiday cheer. Besides that, it's another way of ostracizing Jews from the community. It's a nicer way of building bricks around their neighborhoods, and that's fine with me, but have it in August or September, and don't tell anybody about it. The last thing you want people to find out is that you're Jewish, you never know when you'll show up on a sign with a $500 reward. To an innocent American, that's five hundred dollars worth of more Christmas presents, and there's no Jew in the world worthy of giving that up.

There's also a day called Yule which was started as a ritual for pagans, so maybe there's space in December for that, too. There's also that awkward Pearl Harbor anniversary, but most of the people who died that day were white, so I don't think they'll mind sharing the day with Christmas. World AIDS Day is on the calendar too, but since they identify with the color red, we'll let them stay. You can also find Human Rights Day, but instead of moving that to a different month, let's just get rid of it altogether. Now that I've delivered this message, Santa has come off of his high, and he's ready to fly back to the North Pole. When he gets there, he'll be greeted by a herd of Mexican elves and reindeer. They'll get back to making their toys with only a few days to spare, and on the night before Christmas, Santa will come down your chimney and eat the cookies you have left for him, which he enjoys much more when they're tampered with, or following a generous blunt. And the next morning, a bunch of white people and assimilating minorities will wake up and open their presents from Santa Claus, one of which is this blog entry. Maybe this year people will realize the true meaning of Christmas and the month of December. It's not a time to light candles and be black, it's a time to get presents and play in the snow. If snow were any other color, we'd all hate it. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Pruitt vs. The Board of Education

I would consider the court case of Brown vs. the Board of Education to be substantial and important to our country. That was in 1954, and like I babbled about in my civil war discussion, race relations have significantly improved. Since allowing the colored kids to drink from the water fountains, we have indulged in rap music, interracial sexual relationships, a fuck ton of drugs, and with all that, a bit of racism. Still, even after all that, racism. What a shame. I'm serious when I call it shameful for it's sad that we still don't get it, and I am included in that myself. Joking about other races is all fun and games, unless a minority is listening. I swear, if Laffy Taffy's could only be sold to whites, they'd have the funniest asian jokes on the back of them. But, luckily, everyone can buy a Laffy Taffy, even the poor kids! It's literally the universal candy. I bet if you walked up to anyone, fat skinny poor rich asian black white horses, they've all had a Laffy Taffy, and they all fucking enjoyed it. Now that I think about it, toothless people probably don't eat them, but it's safe to assume that everyone has teeth at some point, like that vagina with teeth in that cheap horror film. And although Laffy Taffys wrappers are everywhere, jokes intact, there is still racism in our world.

Racism doesn't just happen to black people. Ask the Jews! I'm not sure if any Jewish people sued the SS of Germany following World War 2, but I think they would have legitimate grounds to do so. Sixty some years later, one student of color suing a school district over alleged racism, that's crazy. Isaiah Shoels, a victim of the Columbine High School massacre, was a black student who was constantly belittled by the eventual shooters. He went to school officials to complain, yet they failed to do much about it. He was shot in the library and killed. After that, I bet the officials felt pretty horrible for not paying attention to the allegations. It's something they've had to deal with in time, even though nobody deserves that guilt, except maybe Hitler or the Jersey Shore cast. Miss Pruitt, whose first name I just can't ever spell so I'm gonna skip it, is suing the school that built me for more money than they have. I mean, come on, the school charges $100 a year to park in a concrete hell, and you think they can dish up $75,000 quick on the side. You're crazy. I know you moved here in tenth grade, so you don't have the same respect I do for the people who work in the district. I can read because of those people. I can make decisions because of those people. I can walk into any building in the district and be welcomed by people who know me and care about my interests. I can write because of that district, and now I am going to use that power to put you down, and it's not because you're black, it's because you're foolish.

You complain about not being able to wake up and go to school, about lack of sleep, about anxiety, about shit every single high schooler feels at some point in their life, whether it's the night before the ACT or just another day in the confusing, complicated high school lifestyle. A high school is basically a collection of different people learning to be who they are, their first steps into society. Ignorance, whether we like it or not, is going to be present in any public school in this country, because of youth. Youth guarantees ignorance in any situation, not because they choose to be ignorant but because they do not know. There are things we all hope to learn some day, but in a small town like Red Wing, it's hard to imagine the possibilities. Of course, in a small town with nothing to its culture but a giant boot, people are going to be misunderstood, and misunderstand things. It's not that fucking complicated to understand. Don't be ignorant about ignorance, it's everywhere. Nobody walked into that school dressed as a gangster in hopes of breaking down black culture, and offending it. They did it for fun, because that is what students imagine high school to be. Of course it's fun to rebel against the rules and the norms, that's what high school is about- learning from experience what you can and can't do. I think it was good for everybody, even if it stung a little bit... Even the best bee stings don't hurt for two years, so now I'm really confused Miss Pruitt...

I'm not gonna get into this too much, especially because I am so ignorant on the subject. But I must say, if you want to sue the school I grew up in, fuck you. It's not just a building with a couple of people defending it. You're gonna have to put up with everybody who agrees with me, which I would hope to be a lot, especially because so many white kids went to school with me! Come on, white kids! Take away the color of every student who graduated from Red Wing High School and what do you get? You get graduates of Red Wing High School... no color, and if that's not enough for you to respect it, and not sue it, then you can get the fuck out, because there are no black kids at Red Wing High School, they are black, purple, and white, red wing high, we're ready to fight... yeah, I know. So, even though I puke when I hear the saying "Once a Winger, Always a Winger," I must say, I puke a little more when you speak.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Hello, welcome back to my thoughts. I'm sure your life was more pleasant without them. However, I am going to take the selfish route, and I am going to get rid of my thoughts, so that my life will be more pleasant. I am going to type them here and you can take them if you'd like, or you can take them down to your local recycling center, where you have the option of shredding them to pieces small enough to get stuck to the bottom of your shoes. You can also recycle them, which simply means spreading my cynical, yet endearing thoughts to other people, in order to free yourself from the burden of carrying them, for it is like a vicious disease clinging to your backside, biting at your spinal chord with unbrushed teeth. Though it may be something you've never witnessed, it is certainly something you can imagine, and in those thoughts, I hope you can discover sympathy. This sympathy will allow you to read what I have to say and accept that I need to get it out my chaotic mind. If, in the unfortunate event it gets enclosed in your mind, you will become infected. This infection can only be cured by spreading it to someone else, which can be done by putting it in a needle and leaving it in the balls at McDonald's. If some homeless person doesn't get pricked by it, a two year old certainly will, and suddenly, the burden is off of your shoulders, and into someone else's bloodstream. If it gets to the point where you must spread the disease, consider leaving it in a McDonald's in a different town, this way it minimizes the chances that you'll know the person you infected, resulting in a complete cleanliness of your conscience.

The old blog, known by original readers as "Euthanize Me" now remains in a small collection, where I saved my favorite posts of the past. Though there will only be ten or so available, it is because I am afraid of all the people I have offended. To get to the point right in the beginning so I can have a clean conscience as well, all races are significant and provide attributes to the multi-cultural, globalized universe we live in. The world has offered us a plate of exciting diversity, and, like food that has only been on the floor for a few seconds, we should eat it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not going to put on a tight costume and wave pom-poms in celebration of the Jews. I would say we all are at a restaurant, and we are sitting at a long table, where every race is represented. Everyone has brought something to the table, and that especially goes for the Jews. On their 10 x 10 inch tabletop space, they have provided lawyers, financial advisors, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and a bunch of shit to talk about in schools, which includes literature, and living monuments with tattoos on their wrists. The Chinese have the same amount of space on the table, so you can imagine the struggle they are having trying to fit all of their fucking people. I bet whoever starts the condom business in China will have a financial field day. Not only do you have one billion customers, but you have one billion customers who need to stop reproducing. You'll really make money if you own a pair of scissors. Invest wisely, you never know what will get you ahead.

I forgot to mention the food they brought, for that is the most important. China has consistently exported their goods to America, which include electronics, apparel, and women for socially awkward white men to fuck. But most importantly, they've sent us their fucking food. Everywhere you go, strip malls, downtown, Chinatown especially, you'll find a place owned by a friendly Asian family. If you're lucky, it's a buffet style restaurant where you can satisfy your cravings with unlimited chicken, rice, and fortune cookies. I have in and out phases of chinese appreciation. Sometimes the idea of devouring sesame rat is appealing, and I go spend my $9.99 on the buffet. Other times, I come to my senses, and avoid the atrocity. But a lot of people like Asian restaurants, and that's fine, too. But I bet a smaller percentage like Asian people, and that right there is a considerably mysterious situation. If you like their food so god damn much, why don't you like them? Southern people love their fucking fried chicken, but they hate the black people. It is internationally known that black people invented fried chicken. I bet every rich man who has a Mexican mow his lawn for three dollars an hour likes to eat burritos and tacos. It is just continuous evidence that says white people don't care about other races, they just want your god damn food. Republicans would be all smiles if Mexicans were only running over to drop off tortillas. We wouldn't have illegal immigration problems and everyone would be happy. It's all about the food.

So, if you began reading this thinking you were beginning some measly review on the old Katherine Hepburn movie, I apologize. This is simply an execution of my mentality, spreading my herb supported ideas around the hateful, inconsiderate world. Now, back to the world's table. Everyone is a minority at this table, as well as being majorities. Like I said, every race is represented. So there is only one of each, looking around the table at each other, or squinting if you come from the eastern side of the world, but that was a joke, right? Anyway, there are other countries there, too. There are European races, all kinds of them. Just as you can't compare a southern Californian with an Idahoan, it is hard to compare Europeans. When I was walking around Munich, Germany, I could spot the French people, who were probably spotting us American people, and judging us for our childhood obesity and education rates. But, like every other American, I confidently ignore the French, and remember that my country's economy shit theirs out this morning, and wiped its ass with the Eiffel Tower. All was fun and games for Lady Liberty, until a pile of shit landed on her face, dropped by India, China, Brazil, and every other country who will eventually be shitting us out, instead of hiding from our hydrogen bombs. Our country is going in the opposite direction as black rights. Now, we have a black President, and race relations are considerably improved. 150 years ago, we had slavery. So, 100 years ago, we were the hot shot country, paving the way for the world, and in about fifty years, we are going to be sold into slavery.

Though that is completely bizarre and slightly unreasonable, it could definitely happen. It has happened before, right? Imagine China does take over economically, and suddenly has the world at her communistic feet. Suddenly, all the Chinese want someone to cook their rice and clean their bicycle wheels, and the only way to insure each one of those billion people is served by a personal employee, the Chinese government is going to have to send ships out to several countries, one of which will be the United States of America. They will see Lady Liberty, they will smile and wave, and then they will pack every last one of us, the skinny, the fat, the black, the white, the taco loving, Mexican hating, privately racist, publicly peaceful, the Conservatives, the Liberals, the school teachers, the nuns, the heroin addicts, the Jewish tattoo artists, every single American, and everyone in the surrounding countries, such as Canada and Mexico, maybe even Cuba, will be sold into Chinese slavery. Suddenly, the most unimportant thing in the world will be whether or not gays are married or if Mexicans are kidnapping our children. Because those things won't be in our world anymore. We will just be slaves to China, out in the opium fields doing strange exercises against our will.

America the Mediator

I don't think I would ever want to be President of the United States. I'm sure if I ran, which would require a lot of prestige and success... Never mind about that presidency thing. But if I ever get picked to be Vice President, or become the ambassador to some foreign country (hopefully Egypt or Iran) I wish I could put notes in the suggestion box for how to handle these international affairs. Now before you get the wrong idea, my suggestions would not be considerably "intelligent" and/or "reasonable." I would think all these foreign enemies should get locked in a room with blunts and red cups. When you opened the door in the morning, Iran would be passed out on the floor in a pile of vomit and Egypt would probably have started a bunch of fires and made signs protesting the hangover. However, nobody in international politics seems to think this way, so instead we just put a bunch of crazy mother fuckers in a room with bombs and buildings and a bunch of civilians and CNN reporters, and we just wait until the last person is standing. It's kind of thrilling to see who will outlast all the others...

I know Egypt is in an alliance with the United States. I also know that I watched a bunch of Survivor during my lifetime, and alliances are as meaningless as Christianity. All we have to do is take that slow motion walk to where the votes are, past a bunch of intensely burning torches, look into the camera, write down EGYPT, put it in the box, sit back down, and watch Egypt's torch get burnt out. The tribe has spoken. The world has spoken. Egypt used to seem like a cool country to me, building pyramids and shit. I like their animal deities and all of their history, but all that interesting stuff is long over. Today, Egypt is just a regular country that doesn't build pyramids, therefore, I don't really care if all of their people are jumping into fire pits and into car windshields. These Egyptians are crazy. I say they have nothing to complain about. I remember all those slaves in "The Prince of Egypt," carrying heavy blocks from A to B, getting whipped and harassed. If I were one of those people, I would get angry and throw shit too, but since that was two billion years ago (false) these people need to go home and stop complaining about their shitty government.

Iran is building bombs that will never get near our country. North Korea is run by the craziest family in the world. Egypt isn't building pyramids anymore. What other countries have problems? Oh yes, the United States of America. Our perfect domestic situation here allows us to devote all of our time to international relations. That is not true at all. There are homeless people everywhere, a bunch of kids living in poverty, leftist art teachers protesting the war, people getting arrested and incarcerated for possession of a plant, people are running into our country from every side. Just last week, I saw a small boat of Koreans pull into the beach. They had crossed the ocean from their home island, and no wave saw any obligation to drown them. What has become of this world? I will tell you. The United States needs to stop mothering everybody and go into a state of living I would like to call "Denmark." All those European countries are so much better than ours... They have higher speed limits (if none at all) a lower drinking age, and concentration camps. Who could ask for a better place? My first guess would be the Jews.

All I am saying is that the United States just needs to stop pissing people off and go into a quiet state where we don't think we need to run  everything. So, Egypt may be our ally, but I would say we should just let it go up in flames. The best thing that could happen is that all of the people will die. A small group of Americans can relocate to Egypt, and slowly but surely colonize and build communities. When the time is right, they will commit treason and fight the United States for their own independence. Then they will become their own country that will later make everyone mad because it has to get in the way of everything. Nobody has the option of blowing us to a million pieces because we catch them before they even consider it. America is hovering over the rest of the world calling all the shots and crying about how "The Blind Side" didn't win the Oscar for Best Picture. Former superpowers of the world have abandoned this militaristic lifestyle and gone into hibernation. It's time America hibernates, however, without the food. Most Americans look like they've been hibernating for some decades now. We would all be peaceful and comfortable with life, not constantly worrying if some twelve year old Middle Eastern ruler is going to fuck all of our wives!

I usually don't take advice and order from those who seem incompetent. For example, taking advice on the stock market from a homeless person, or like being educated in a public high school. America can start calling the shots again when she looks more like those girls in magazines. How does she get there? Bulimia. She can throw up all 13 trillion zillion dollars of debt, a couple hundred thousand pounds, half of the Senate, and slavery. Once we get all of those things off our back, we can start being an international leader again. Until then, our country needs to start focusing on what matters and fix things on the home front. We aren't going to be capable of invading Africa if we keep getting fatter, dumber, and poorer. So, please, United States of America, stop trying to help other countries and focus on what is right here. When the homeless people are all in beds and the children are getting educated, we can start getting things done again. A billion dollars for Egypt to not build pyramids? No. A billion dollars for history textbooks for children, so they can see pictures of them.

The Blind Side

My advisors have strictly instructed me not to write about blind people today. I am going to obey and figure something else out, but I honestly don't think it would've been a problem to blog about them. The first reason is because I have a cataract over my right eye which prevents me from seeing out of it, therefore making me partially blind... which, in a way, I'd be making fun of myself. The second reason is because they are blind and will never be able to read this. We don't start publishing in braille until next year. I'm also a huge fan of Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder. But since I don't want to cross "the line," I am just going to go in a different direction and cross a different line. Besides, there isn't much humor in blindness, except for their canes, their dogs, and when they run into light posts... but otherwise, no humor. This one time in middle school I was with a few friends outside of the movie theater waiting for "Cellular" to start... a blind woman and her dog were coming toward our sorry excuse for a mall, so thinking I was being the good Christian middle school fucker that I was, I opened the door for her... She responded coldly, "I can get it myself." Sorry, bitch. I think her blindness is a response to her personality cancer... what a consequence.

Consequences have always been the things you imagine when participating in something naughty and they are meant to prevent you from doing it at all... But consequences shouldn't stop people, unless they're fatal... but then again, that would really stop you. Consequences is a very hard word to type, so I am preparing myself for quite a battle with my keyboard here. I hope you appreciate it... I have experienced many consequences and most of them have been rather pleasant. I just copied consequences so now I can just paste it when I say it... Good idea, Mr. Lewis. Anyway, consequences have always pissed me off for a few reasons. Besides the fact that they are always over the top, they don't teach you much and they prevent you from having a little fun in your life... and when you're 19 years old, or anywhere around that age, consequences shouldn't be on your mind... Worry about that shit later. Have fun while you can. Because the consequence of having fun as a teenager is having to become an adult, and I think we all know what happens then... Where does all the fun go?

Reflecting on the "trouble" that I got in last week, I have come to the conclusion that I don't give a shit. I deserved to get in trouble because I was violating a school rule, and I knew it, but I don't care. I learned my lesson... I am just not going to do meth behind the residence hall anymore... I'll do it somewhere else. (If you missed The Gestapo it's not actually meth... save your judgements) I realize all of my friends have reacted to the whole thing differently, and I am on the side of not really caring. I know what I did and I'll stick to that and nothing is going to change that, fix that, or prevent me from doing it again. Life is so sweet and the fact that we get the opportunity to do with it whatever the fuck we want is honestly the coolest thing about waking up in the morning... Surprise yourself and don't give a fuck. That kind of attitude will put a smile on your face, even when they're cremating you after your heart attack. I've still got a few years until I'm an adult... so until then, let's fuck shit up, eh?

We all know I say some shit I wouldn't say in a church or during an inaugural speech, but I am glad I say it. I don't know what the consequence will be to me saying it all, but I do know that by releasing all of these thoughts, even though they are a collection of the world's theories of people and my commentary on them, but either way, I am proud of myself, because if I die tomorrow, I'll have less inside... Every time I type one of these things, I have one thing less to say, and I feel refreshed and allow my mind to consume something new and then I take that and turn it into an offensive and degrading romp and I have the time of my life doing it. If the consequences are negative in the end then so be it, but at the age of nineteen I am going to fuck up on purpose and I am going to love every minute of it... I'll go to class, I'll respect everyone's views, I'll do nice things for people, and when I am passed out next to a mule in a Tijuana alleyway, I will have justified it.

If you are blind to what I say and don't think about all of this, then you're blind to a lot more, because this is pretty basic. Open your eyes, or eye, in my case, and take a look around. There is so much to do in this world, and I believe that a lot more now that I live in a city and not a dinky town that is deserted after 7 PM. I've been skydiving and rode the gondolas in Venice (thanks Frau) and have been places I could've never imagined and I love drinking alcohol and I won't talk about any other substances, but at some point or another I have loved them very much as well, and no matter what kind of bad behavior I get in, I know consequences will likely exist, but the biggest consequence of them is all is to take seriously other consequences, because if you do, you're going to be blind to the most exciting adventure you'll ever get the opportunity to take and that is life.

A "Short" Story

There are many of them living among us... but you may never know it if you don't look down. To be a "little" more clear, let me explain... I am talking about midgets. These half-people seem to be popping up everywhere... on their own TV shows, on public streets!, and most recently, Jackass 3-D, creating the finest scene in the film while displaying their crazy midget antics. I could avoid poking fun at these mythical creatures so I don't come off mean, but since I am sure they can't reach the computer on their desk, I don't think I'll have a problem talking about them, and if they do get upset about what I say, what are they going to do... punch my knee caps? I'll just grab them by the hair and throw them like a Nerf football... Imagine Brett Favre tossing one of those creatures... Okay, maybe Brett Favre isn't the example I am supposed to use... Alright, fuck it... Imagine Brett Favre tossing one of those creatures ten years ago. Okay, that's better. You could tell me that I am being a bully and that it's mean to laugh about their disability, but if God is real, he made them midgets... How can you be any meaner than that?

I have a good friend who has a vision. I don't think he shares it with many people... but I find it fascinating, which leads to me reporting it to all of you. He would like to re-create what MTV means and make his own network... Midget television. It would feature all of the popular shows of today, but would have entirely midget casts. Picture midgets on Survivor. If that image didn't bring a smile to your face, you're dead inside. And if you're dead inside, I will give you another opportunity to feel alive... Imagine "Dancing with the Stars," with midgets... Imagine "Jersey Shore," with midgets. Imagine any fucking show you like... and cut every cast member in half. Isn't it something... midget television may be the next best thing. We could have "The Bachelor," and the guy looking for a lady will be Wee-Man. We'll get twenty midget girls to win his heart... and then we'll make midget game shows and find a midget Oprah. If this network doesn't sound appealing to you... then you're an ass hole.

Midgets would get the opportunity to finally relate to the media instead of being in mediocre shows about themselves on TLC or any other channel that features false accounts of midget life. The shows would be full length in time... Just because the people are short, doesn't mean we will cut short the entertainment. Imagine if we threw in midget sports leagues... the MLB would have an entirely new meaning, and even in that league we would all hate the Yankees, regardless of their height. Midgets deserve the exact same air time as anyone else, and if Snooki can earn an hour on television, then so should all of the short mother fuckers on this planet. Now it looks like I am defending the midgets... I am not necessarily backing them up, but god dammit, watching midgets 24/7 on their own special network sounds like the type of fantasy you could only see on LSD. Midgets are just as interesting as everyone else... they're just shorter... and make you laugh more.

Not because they are funny, but because they are midgets. The other day I saw a midget on campus and automatically wanted to pull out my iPhone and photograph the event, then realized that wouldn't be appropriate... and might directly offend him. I figured I'd save that story for here in order to save my kneecaps... or balls. I almost forgot about my balls. I guess I better say this once... Don't fuck with midgets, especially if you have balls. Now I'm going to have to put on a nut cup everywhere I go due to the danger of midgets... and midgets seem to be doubling in population (not height) because they're just popping up everywhere. In fact, when I wrote that sentence, a midget climbed out from under the bed. Good thing my computer is on my lap or my dreams of having five children would be out the door. Fucking midgets...

Shows like "Little People, Big World," provide a large amount of entertainment for their audience. There is one huge (HA) problem though... it's not long enough. Having the option of watching midgets all day long makes having a hangover sound like the party of the year. You wake up, feel like you're in Hell, pop your fifteen Advils, and you curl up on the couch and spend the entire day enjoying midget television... Sounds like a middle school wet dream to me. So, the next time you are tying your shoes and you see one of these tiny specimens, give them some positive attention, because the attention they are used to are the sets of eyes watching in comical fascination as they live their short existences. The nicest thing you could do is shake their hand with your pinky, smile, and go on your own way, back to your living room to enjoy the greatest network on Earth... midget television.

Getting Huge 101

Let me try and pitch this educational program for you before you begin. The class is exactly what the title states, and the classroom is the inside of a dining hall, cafeteria, or wherever the hell you find yourself enjoying your dinner sized lunch and your buffet sized dinner. The professor is your bad judgement and instead of credits, we issue pounds. There is no final... but if there was, I would assume it would be similar to the final weigh in that occurs on "The Biggest Loser," only, you know how on that finale all the people are jumping for joy in their new tight bodies celebrating their thin revolution... well, it's quite the opposite for anyone taking this class. If you decide to major in this field, you'll probably die of heart disease at a young age, or worse, you will choke while trying to eat a big Philly cheese steak and things go to shit. Either way, you're honestly and permanently fucked.

If only I could take a glimpse into my ten year high school reunion. There is just something about the idea of a reunion that excites me. Sure, I won’t show up if I haven’t done anything cool and if my wife is ugly. But, in the slim chance that I am an important person and can roll up in a Bentley with my trophy woman, I will certainly be attending, not only to see how everyone turned out, but to show off my excellence. I will display doubt for that lifestyle and disregard it for now, for I am more interested in the reunion that happens sooner. It’s not an organized gathering or anything, it’s just every day life... but it’s the one year reunion... the option to enter into my former town and see who of my graduating class brought home some very special friends from college... those friends are called pounds.

I am a strong believer in the freshmen fifteen. I am completely aware that it does not happen to everyone, and I am happy and proud to say that it hasn’t hit me yet, and I don’t think it will due to my high walking mileage and all of the repulsive hill areas around campus. My ankles may fall off due to the difficulty of walking, but at least I’ll be fifteen pounds less than everyone else... just in my wheelchair. Now, I may not get to ride roller coasters or go up the stairs ever again (Shout out to my favorite lunch table, even though I wasn’t actually in your lunch...) but at least I avoided the freshmen fifteen. There is a large amount of prestige behind that and I am willing to do whatever it takes to uphold that image. I would have to guess the reason I have not gained this extra weight is because I don’t have too much food in the room, and the food I do have is consumed at times when I am unaware, so when sobriety comes knocking on my door, there is no food to answer... this is probably a good thing. I haven’t noticed anyone here who has obtained this extra poundage, but if I could have, I would’ve taken a picture of every student on day one and compared it to day one hundred... I am sure there would be plenty of differences. Maybe the freshmen fifteen doesn’t exist in a place like this? But I know that when I return home, I will see the poor victims of this terrible disease, and I will probably diagnose the people, too. Someone better duct tape my mouth shut.

The victims usually have more than the poundage in common, and no offense and no fear to my lady friends, but that similarity is usually a vagina. Past victims of this freshmen contagion seem to be mostly girls, and the sad thing is how noticeable it is. I have very observant friends and we talk about everything... this isn’t gossip, this is conversation. The reason it isn’t gossip is clear. Gossip usually leads to the wrongful spreading of rumors... gossip would be the case if we were talking about someone hooking up with someone in someone’s parents’ bathtub, but we aren’t talking about that magical event, we are talking about extra poundage... extra visible poundage. If the rumors are being spread, guess what? Your stomach is the source.

So, to my fellow college freshmen, I say good luck. And to those of you who do not have to walk up stupid hills all the time and don’t maintain a stable eating pattern, I wish you even more luck, but I also thank you for the entertainment. The next time you are in the pasta line and your friend is getting a salad, maybe you should rethink what you are about to do. The benefit of dinner lines here is that they are so long that I usually end up eating white rice from the Asian section. Sure, I may not gain fifteen pounds, but the chances of me making shoes in a factory or masturbating to rice paddies are extremely high, and that is much more frightening than a thick gut. But, if you don’t have to worry about all the Asian shit and you’re just getting fat, do me one of two favors, and only one. The first thing you can do is stop, and allow your body to regain its former shape and excellence, or you could do an even bigger favor, not so much to yourself, however, and keep eating the way that you are, for the move from a million person city in Southern California to a small river town in Minnesota is going to require additional entertainment, and I shall find that from the new bonus features of your stomach.

Guest Writer: Mr. James Fletcher

Erik asked me to be a guest writer on his blog, I accepted, thus I created this piece. I’m not sure whether it’s a good piece or bad one, so hard to judge completely opinionated journalistic work. Anyways, I’m supposed to tell you about myself. I’m 19 years old, I go to Rhodes College, it’s in Memphis Tennessee which grants me nightly lullabies of gang shootings and police sirens, oh, how I love college. Got it. Spark it. Exhale. Enjoi.

West of Fact and Laced with Curiosity

Okay, I admit this was all supposed to be about Kanye West. I’m sorry there is only so much I can write about the hip-hop world’s most pompous jackass. What will this sporadic post be about? I don’t know. I don’t succumb to the rookie pressure of my first blog post, yes I’m a blog virgin, bear with me.  But anyways, what I’m gonna concentrate on is Victoria’s Secret. Yes, the store every male almost shuffles by, whose beautiful-woman-clad windows converts men to window-shopping. First, how the hell can I find Victoria and thank her for the quickest way for guys to get an erection off of voluptuous lace and black silk! I mean, c’mon my girlfriend already showed what she bought from Victoria, and I have to admit the images I’ve produced have kept me pitching a tent all night. But away from late-night, risqué imaginations. Second, I’d like to know Victoria’s secret. That’s plausible to ask. Maybe I want to aspire to become a women’s lingerie designer. It’s a dream job not every man thinks about. What college degree would it take to get into that industry? Alas, I digress.

            What really strikes me hard about Victoria’s Secret(no pun intended), is how after all these years what the woman designs, if Victoria is a woman, never gets old. Not in a literal sense, sorry you few men whose Valentine’s day gifts never saw the light of day, but in that how can she keep the female body looking so god-damn and the male mind so completely dumbfounded. You would’ve thought by now that the guys would’ve figured out, “oh lingerie, it’s time for sex!” That is not the case ladies, far from it! Lingerie keeps the male mind stunned, probably the only time where the communication between the male membrane and his brain is completely shut off. Yes, ladies take that one to the bank. It’s completely true. When a guy sees his girlfriend in lingerie they don’t know what to do; it’s the hottest thing in the world. Personally, I’m not sure whether or not to superman-rip my clothes of or fall over and go into euphoric shock. I suppose every guy responds in the same way, unless you’re Kanye then you piss yourself while lace-clad hookers knock your shit dead then torch ya ass! I like to believe that Victoria understands how powerful the male imagination can be, a syndrome we’re stuck with, Kanye too. Victoria knows that as long as her lingerie keeps everything essential covered, she keeps everyone guessing, she could show you but she’s not gonna. She exposes a lot of the skin without giving away the goods. At the same time all the lingerie seems to just be barely hanging together, one slip of some string and voila! Unfortunately that’s never the case, the lingerie stays on, the secret is kept, and the men stay stunned.

            In short, sometimes in order to succeed you’ve got to keep the consumer, husband, wife, or reader, in this case, guessing. Wait minute…infatuations with white dykes? Giving a Taylor Swift a broadcasted bitchslap? Randomly hating on George W. Bush hate with Michael Meyers? Yes! I can include Mr. West! Cause really, who has any fucking clue what goes through that cats head. So I guess Victoria and Kanye do share similarities, at any given time their mystifying attributes will make you ponder. Antics and lace, ladies and gentlemen, rash antics and black lace, two things that always make you wonder when you see them. They catch that spark of curiosity and then ignite the entire mind, flames slowly burn out, and their person smolders for weeks inside your thoughts. Before you were just enjoying the day, simple thoughts went through your mind, then those clothes came off and that black lace bustier, with the frilly thong to match, appeared right in front of your eyes. Yup, you’re not thinking about your next batch of laundry, no sir, all that is on your mind is whether or not you’re about to get a lap dance followed by a sound happy ending. 

Video Killed the Radio Star

It was a popular song of the 80's, and fun fact of the day, it was the first video played on MTV, which aired on August 1st, 1981. I will admit now that I am certainly not an expert on MTV... I just know how to use wikipedia well. There are people who are atheists when it comes to wikipedia, but they are incorrect. It is a valuable resource for anyone and I use it as much as I can. I may go through life with information composed by people all over the world, and whether it's partially correct or not, I shall use it. So, I typed in MTV to learn about where it began and all that good stuff, because I happen to be a huge fan of the old MTV, although I am not familiar with the MTV people in the 80's enjoyed, I surely remember watching it growing up, against my father's wishes. I love music videos. I hate Snooki. Look where this wonderful channel has taken us... I fear it's only downhill from here.

According to my favorite website, the original purpose of MTV was to play music videos 24/7, and was called "Music Television." Those were the days. Now, you get a portion of a music video if you're lucky, and spend the rest of your time consuming shit, usually created by the brainless fools on The Real World and Jersey Shore, and unfortunate children who want to be "Made" into something they can't be, and now, we can all admire the bull shit that is "If you really knew me." I realize that show is all sentimental and supposed to be an important anchor for change, but to me, it's an hour of comedy while watching kids expose their feelings on cable television, as if it is going to make anything better. First of all, there goes your privacy. Second of all, nobody gives two shits. However, there is most definitely a group of people who sit around the TV and cry about how beautiful the show is and how they wish that everyone could experience that... Those people shame me.

The good old days of my lifetime would be when Real World and Road Rules owned. They had cool, original cast members, who made for a good television watching experience. But as of late, they have not brought out anyone who has stood out or made a difference with their celebrity statuses, maybe because they no longer achieve them. I think the dark ages started when people had to fantasize over a bunch of scripted lives in Southern California... Laguna Beach. Now, I know plenty of people who watched this show and still enjoy the DVD's, but as a protester of all this bull shit, I can't say I approve. Now that I am older than the characters were during filming, I must say, those people have helpless issues and should not be applauded for their stupidity and criminal humanity. They are not people to look up to or respect, so why do so many viewers give a shit? Were they waiting for something important to happen? Look no further... not happening.

Then that AMAZING spin-off came into existence, and I don't care if you liked "The Hills," because it is stupid and you wasted your fucking time. If you disagree with me, you're wrong. When it comes to television and film, I will trump you, so don't even fucking try. I know what a good television series is, and it's not going to be found in the lives of Laguna Beach cast members trying to make their lives, which are also scripted. I've said this before and I will say it again... If anyone deserves to be killed on this planet, it's Spencer Pratt or his dumb ex-wife Heidi. The fact that people care about these individuals makes me sick and worry about the future of our generation. Check out something legitimate please, and trust me, it's not on MTV... not anymore. Those days are long gone.

So, I realize since I am writing to mostly teenagers and college students, and I am sure many of you will have a problem with my strong disliking for shit programming, but I like to spend my time watching thought-provoking series and films that matter. I think it's sad how much time and energy people waste on people who aren't going to mean anything to this world in a few months, and for most of them, that is already the case. We live in a world where the American Film Institute and National Board of Review and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences recognize films most people haven't heard of. And in television terms, there is the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, and recognizing these shitty MTV programs has not occurred much in this decade, because there is nothing good to recognize. It's all shit. This is me hoping that MTV will return to what it stands for... Music. So let's all do the logical thing and cut Snooki's head off, and start playing some good videos and get back to the way things should be. I'd easily give an Emmy out to a show where that short bitch's head gets cut off.

Secondhand Offense

Second hand smoke used to be a big concern in Minnesota, and enough campaigns and supporters led to the removal of smoking sections in public places, like restaurants and bars... you get it. Apparently it was more lethal than actually smoking, which I never fully understood, but then again, I am no expert in the effects of smoking a cigarette. But I am not going to make a stand for second hand smoke, because it causes people to die and go to heaven, which is a tragic thing, so there is no way I would ever raise my hand in support for the situation. What I am going to get into is how much I hate white people who get offended by shit that isn't about them all because they think they are kind people who have to stick up for everybody, which is certainly not the case. I am talking about second hand offense.

It usually takes place with white women, for white men tend to keep their mouths shut about this shit, or they are all racist. I hate when I say something slightly vulgar or blog about something that is politically incorrect and terrifying, and some white bitch has to complain about how they are offended. White people do not have the right to be offended. It's bad taste. So, the next time I am complaining about the Great Wall of China to some white folks, I hope that they will take what I have to say and absorb it if they enjoy it, or ignore it if they don't. Fucking white people. I do realize I am a part of the white race, and I love the white race very much. Not only do I have a slightly better chance of getting out of tickets, 3rd only to white women with great tits, and people en route to the hospital to deliver a baby. I also love that I can get away with murder and arson and all that other good shit that non-whites get executed for, but I am only joking when I say that... And if you think that I'm not, please, do me a favor, close the window and get back to your jerk off session on your interracial porn, you unrightfully offended bastard.

Today's Saturday post is a replacement to my missed Thursday and Friday posts. Thursday was a busy day of class and the arrival of a good friend from LA who, on Friday, I went skydiving with. That life altering excursion is the reason for my absence yesterday. I am completely aware that viewership on weekends is low, but if you see this post, congratulations, and thanks for digging back in the archives for something classic. I will continue my posting on Monday, and will provide as many posts as I can throughout the week, for my favorite friend and twin criminal will be arriving in the Golden State on Wednesday, which will kick off the episodes of drunken antics and accidental occurrences that will provide for great blog posts and entertaining campfire stories. So, when you read of some kids jumping into a fire one night, it's probably because my shockingly awful stories caused my children to act out the only way they could. With that said, I shall continue with my lecture on bull shit offense...

Why is there a class of white people who think that they can change the world with their disliking for offensive comments? That ridiculous group of people usually consists of the most judgmental crackers who have ever roamed the Earth. They try to take offensive comments and turn them into lessons for the entire world... though they are lessons that nobody needs to learn. Most of the offensive comments I say are indirect, and not to mention, sardonic. I am a cynical person and the statements that exit my mouth oftentimes are loaded and inappropriate. If I didn't talk that way, I wouldn't be the person that everyone knows. I would be committing identity fraud and wouldn't be representing the kind hearted Minnesotan that I grew up to be. I am kind, and if you disagree, let me tell you, there will be a special group of white people who will take offense to that on my behalf, but I will not. And to the people who are taking it on my behalf, stay the fuck out of it, for it does not concern you, and you don't need to worry about it. I think I could take all racist and unorthodox jokes and put them in a container, and leave them alone for a while, because the group I wish I could attack the most would be the whites and their superficial existences and their high beliefs in themselves. Most whites are not like this, but the ones that are misrepresent a very significant, hard working group of people. Holla to my white friends. And, since I said holla, I suppose holla to the blacks as well.

So, the next time you're sitting in a group of people, and somebody drops a Helen Keller joke or a Jew joke or hell, an Asian joke, and nobody in the circle is blind, deaf, Jewish, or Asian, then go ahead and laugh, because none of you have the right to be pissed off by it. If you're some crippled Holocaust survivor, and somebody makes a pro-Nazi statement, you go ahead and beat them with your cane or run them over with your wheelchair. But if you're some twenty year old blonde bitch who has never seen Schindler's List, you don't have the right to be mad. Of course, there will always be people who get offended by statements. You've got the Rutgers basketball team who Don Imus referred to as nappy headed hoes on a radio show... now, that calls for offense, because it was direct and it wasn't very nice. But there were more white people offended by that than anyone else. So, to the people in my race who try to stick up for everybody, I suggest you give it up, because soon enough, you may be a minority, and all the brown, black, purple, green, and yellow people will be cracking jokes at you, and guess what, nobody's going to tell them to stop.

Parachuting Babies

There I was, row 30-something, thinking about how long of a journey it would be to exit the fucking plane in four hours, awkwardly positioned in my seat as to not bump the jerk off next to me, who didn't feel the same consideration toward me, so my left rib is now very much acquainted with the prick's elbow... I saw more people coming down the narrow aisle from the entrance of the airplane, making their way to their seats, taking their sweet fucking time to put away their unattractive flowered carry on bags, and take their seats like we were at a movie theater... making our time become later than it should have been. I saw a young woman with her baby board the plane, and if you recall from a previous post, my plan is to conceive five children (with my wife, the others I don't plan on actually meeting...) and I know I will probably love them when they exist, but since I am nineteen now, the idea of a little baby makes me want to put a knife down my throat and my hand in the garbage disposal. The woman was passing rows up, making me very nervous as to who would occupy the aisle seat directly across from me. I prayed, to whoever was listening to me, that this woman would find refuge in a seat much further up from where I was.

Well, since karma is a bitch(?), and I deserve this unfortunate pain, the formerly impregnated broad sat right where I didn't want her to, and the little baby girl was propped up on her lap. Some people in the surrounding seats were killing themselves over this precious little child, with these annoying gushy eyes and stares that I didn't feel I was getting, and I was much more interesting than this drooling mess of life. And even if that isn't true, which we all know it is not, it was still rather fucking annoying. Maybe I just don't have the appreciation for this new life that this woman and some guy who drinks a lot now created once upon a time... And the dad wasn't there. But, just to deny your suspicions, they were white. He must be busy. It's not like he left or anything. So, there I was, watching this woman and her baby... her quiet baby... at the moment.

A woman in a nearby seat asked how old the baby was. The "mom" responded, 14 or 15 months. Okay, I have met many new mothers and heard them rant about how precious their fucking offspring is, and, most times, they have their age to an exact minute... but this bitch has certainly made me consider that she may be a kidnapper, because not knowing the age of your baby makes you look like a very inattentive parent, not that it even matters, but that will probably lead to your young daughter's early fascination with cock, and in a short sixteen years, you will be observing her with a little baby, and you will know exactly how I felt on October 5th, examining you and your little fucking sperm creation bouncing on your damn lap. Then the baby started crying, screaming, laughing... like she was watching some fucking television series that I had no interest in viewing. I figured the little twit would cry when we took off, and I would respect it, but no, this one had to have her soap opera moment the entire fucking plane ride... which got me thinking...

Wouldn't it be a beautiful invention to create parachutes for babies? I mean, we're sitting there on the flight, surrounded by people who we don't know, trying to listen to our iPods, but we just can't, and the whole time we have to deal with the caffeinated flight attendants whose smiles make me want to jump with the babies, only my parachute doesn't exist. So, picture that, you're trying to relax on this already nerve-wracking moment, looking out for Islam extremists, getting ready to tackle any terrorist in sight, and there's a fucking baby in your area, expressing their feelings through loud awful moans and tears. Strap them up to their parachute, and drop them down to their destination below. Not only will we not have to hear them cry, but they will get a nice adrenaline experience on their flight down. As Lisa Lampanelli once said, "I'll give you something to cry about."

So, now you think I am some sadistic baby killer. I'm not, if you were wondering, but babies certainly provide the perfect amount of birth control to people. Sometimes, if the moment is right, or wrong, I suppose, this situation can make an ultra-conservative go gung-ho for abortion. Babies are cute and all, to specific people, and today, with a few hours of sleep and a small amount of anxiety, I was not in the mood for some cry baby bitch trying to communicate with their god awful sounds. Maybe babies are the perfect example of the difficulties of communication... like speaking to a Mexican who doesn't know English, and I am certainly fucked for the lack of attention I gave to my Spanish classes in high school. But, I realize, I once was that annoying little baby, pissing off emo-teenagers and old businessmen who never really gave a fuck about their children, and then I try to relax a bit and be more understanding of the whole thing, for now I am a nineteen year old with just a knife in my throat and one hand in the garbage disposal.

Salsa and French Fries

There is something fascinating about fast food. I don't know if I say that because I was born to be a fat ass, or because of my former love affair with a fine lady named Mary Jane. Either way, there is something fascinating about fast food. You may hate it, you may love it, but either way you prefer it, you have to admit, it's fucking incredible. When you are hungry, and you've got some spare change, not to mention a car, going to a fast food restaurant is the ONLY solution. And for the time being, it always satisfies your undeniable craving... and then makes you feel sick afterward, but that is a different topic and a form of negativity I will not be expressing for such a luxurious industry.

But I am not really talking about fast food today. I am talking about the people who hand it out the window to you... I am talking particularly McDonald's, and a bit Taco Bell, but technically, I give these individuals a full pardon to serve gorditas and burritos. I am talking about the people I avoided conflicting with in my anti-Asian rice blog (I am giving you Asians the day off... You are welcome). These people can be seen mowing lawns, painting houses, or holding cardboard signs outside of the Seven Eleven... Okay, I am being stereotypical again... and I am not talking about crack heads... I am talking about Mexicans.

There are several types of Mexicans... Just as there are different types of white people. You've got the Mexican-Americans, who I am not addressing one bit, because they are a little more advanced in their humanity, and represent a hyphenated ethnicity, which derives from a successful job interview, or legal citizenship. I am also not referring to my good pals at Fiesta Mexicana, for if you are Mexican and serving Mexican food... thank you for keeping it natural. I am talking about the specific individuals who find salvation at classy fast food joints... Now, don't start giving me this shit about how they are working for their family and what not, because that is completely irrelevant to my point. If you want to make money for your family, go to Taco Bell or Del Taco or wherever the fuck your belonging makes sense, but leave my McDonald's alone.

It is extremely difficult when making an order, especially when the order is caused by a severe desire to eat, brought on only by special herbs. But, you know what I mean. You pull up to the little order window, which conveniently displays what you order for accuracy. Thank you, McDonald's... Corporate McDonald's... White people who work for corporate McDonald's. Even though the screen is there, they usually end up fucking up your order. It's so odd to me... You were able to get past our tough homeland security, but you are unable to make my snack wrap right? What the hell, Mexicans... Give me a reason to believe in you.

So I guess you could say my fear is focused on the future. For only in my deepest nightmares would I find myself at a drive-thru at McDiego's, ordering a chicken sandwich, which takes a few minutes since they've gotta cut the head off first... Then I proceed to the first window, pay with my collection of pesos that I stole from my mother's purse, which she stole from your mother's purse, and then I continue on to the second window, awaiting the arrival of my "fresh" food. They ask if I want salsa with my French fries... And then I wake up in a pool of sweat and a mind full of fear. That is some Freddy Kruger shit right there. So I guess if you're thinking about clicking the "offensive" button below, go ahead, just make sure you get my order right next time.

It's the End of the World.

Before I begin, I am proud to say I have one blog view from the country of South Korea. Though that may not seem like a big deal, you're right, it's not... but 29 views from Canada is offensive. As a near-resident of Canada, I would expect a more polite following. But to the people in the USA, thank you very much, for I have received nearly 2,000 views over the week from this country... My audience began as mostly Asian, but following my dog comment, I have lost most of them to other blogs, mainly the ones with good poodle recipes, and what not, but hey, whatever makes them happy.

And although the one view from The Netherlands, Italy, Spain, and South Korea, may mean nothing, it is still pretty cool that our internet can be so involved, and knowing that one guy from The Netherlands is sitting down in front of his computer, eating a hash brownie, and reading what shit I have to say... is a compliment in its own. I suppose this is me looking at things positively for a change, because there is so much going on, and sometimes I don't take the time to just relax and look at things in a certain way, so today, that is what I am going to do.

This brings me to my first piece of this... Regarding this whole mosque building near the grounds of 9/11. I like MTV's bullshit campaign to say that Islam did not do this to our country... hate did, which is true. However, MTV, you are campaigning to a bunch of fucking idiots who take serious pleasure in characters such as Snooki and J-Wowwwwwww, not to mention, having TV shows where six more fucking idiots are flipping cards over to see which one of them has to do a ridiculous game, and on top of all that, the complete douche of a host, who is Asian, needless to say. And yes, I do realize that by displaying this amount of knowledge for this stupidity, I am indeed accepting my role as a fucking idiot, but certainly not to the extent of many other people... people who think TWILIGHT is a good film, but I am not going to get started on that right now, I will end up breaking my laptop.

So to the supporters of the mosque, and to the Muslim people, I respect your culture yada yada yada, and whatever else you need me to say in order for me to be kind, but build your damn mosque elsewhere. I realize Islam is NOT to blame for the September 11th terrorist attacks, but although unrelated, it is still inappropriate... Next, we will be building gas stations next to concentration camps. I think you can get my connection there. Unrelated... inappropriate. Take notice, Muslims. I am not bashing your religion or any non-extremist Islam supporters, but I am supporting the cause of America, and I'd rather give the little consideration I have to the friends and families of 9/11 victims instead.

"What if?" is a usual question brought up in the minds of splendid fourteen year old girls who are having really horrible relationship situations, and the question is brought up when regarding other unimportant things, like, "What if I would've gone to bed earlier last night?" The answer to that question is, I would've made it to my first class this morning. But since I didn't, and it is my first missed class, I will simply lay back and say, "I don't give a fuck. I am going to die in 2012 anyway." My sincerest apologies to Dr. Elston and the rest of my sociology class, I shall grace you with my unfortunate presence on Wednesday morning. Back on topic... there are many people who hate thinking "What if," because it no longer matters to them. But what happens when we ask the question when it actually regards something important, something that could've changed the world... and not just how one day in a week went. For example:

What if Hitler would've been hugged more as a child?

Besides the fact that there would be more lawyers and bankers, there would be an overall larger Jewish population, not to mention, my gas station statement wouldn't have made sense. What if Al Gore would've been elected President? What if Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift would've gotten married?!?! Okay, scratch that last piece of bull shit, and I will continue. Maybe we should ask this question a lot more... but instead of after the fact, maybe we should do it before, because if we stop and take the time to actually think about it, maybe it will answer our question before we ever need to ask it.

So to Hitler's mother, you fucking bitch, hug your son, make him cookies, maybe lock him in the basement for a couple years and see how the fuck he likes it... To Al Gore, besides the fact that you are a raging homosexual, I am sorry you lost the election and couldn't save the world from global warming. Because of it, we are all going to die now, so thank you Florida. And to one citizen of Florida, thank you for being a fucking idiot and publicly announcing the burning of the Quran. I think I speak for everyone, besides your large parish of 50 people, when I say, go kill yourself. But before you do it, I have something else you can burn... Twilight. And to the many people who read Twilight, I am sure the books are absolutely brilliant and worthy of praise, but the movies are fucked shit and you should be ashamed of your kind. Well, that's all for my bitching for the day, I have to go... Jersey Shore is on.

Rest in Peace, Reverse Cowgirl

Sex is like coffee. And as you read that, I am sure you are wondering why. There are not many reasons, besides the fact that it's hot and can be addicting. But there is one more reason... and that reason has developed strongly over time. A friend pointed me in the direction of a ridiculous coffee order, which went a little something like this: A quad shot in a large cup, two shots which were decaf, one which was hot water, the last which was raspberry flavoring. It was half steamed soy milk and half whole milk, half of the chocolate was white, the other dark... Shut the fuck up and order a regular coffee, please. So that brings me to the newest reason why coffee is like sex... Traditional simplicity has stopped being enough for people, and because of that, these new crazy flavors have to be enacted... which brings me to the topic of sexual fetishes.

It is clear that normal sex just isn't enough for people anymore. It bores them. So, of course, the only way to have more fun with it, is to make it a little more interesting... which could include a number of things. Shows like "True Blood," have shown people how much fun it is to bite during sex and bleed all over each other. But that is one of those crazy fetishes, that only a select few couples decide to do. Low key fetishes, that more people seem to be into, are just regular things like feet. Ever gotten a foot job? I haven't... but it looks rather fascinating. There are also people who like licking feet and what not, which I think is acceptable, but only if they are clean. However, in Africa, most villagers don't wear shoes, therefore I think we can trace their AIDS issue to some dirty foot jobs.

Another well known fetish is the awful enjoyment of bondage/domination. People enjoy getting whipped while they fuck, I guess... the orgasm just isn't enough for people anymore. If you aren't hitting her clit with a hammer, she's going to leave you unsatisfied. And if she's a big girl, you better whip out that shovel. The whole idea of "pleasureful rape" is so odd to me, but I don't speak for everyone. I guess growing up with a cop as a father, the idea of being handcuffed to a bed isn't something that sounds exciting... or sexy.

Although these fetishes make me smirk, it is the collection of relatively unknown ones that do the trick for me. Necrophilia is the sexual attraction to corpses. This brings a whole new term to Will Ferrel's "funeral crashing," for now I am picturing a guy creepily crawling into a casket to make love to a lifeless body. Yes... NECROPHILIA IS REAL. So the next time you see a guy wanking it in a cemetery, you will most likely appreciate being alive more.

There is also the odd interest in excrement and vomit. People seem to shit on each other for sexual pleasure. I thought that whole "dump on your chest," thing was just a funny line from Not Another Teen Movie, which, speaking of fetishes, featured a very sexy lesbian scene between an old lady and a hot teenager. But never mind about that now... Formocophilia is the enjoyment of having insects crawl on you while having sex. This usually occurs in poor countries, since their homes are insect infested anyway. The bugs are like part of their family. They eat with them. They shower with them... and now we learn, they fuck with them too.

If ever boredom strikes your mind, and nothing seems interesting to you, and you mope around wishing there was something fascinating you could do, type in squashing on google images. This will give you a fine collection of piercing images starring a very large woman and a very skinny man. The idea of this was so sexy to me, I waited outside of the Biggest Loser auditions for hours, waiting to pick up a few females before the show took out the best in them.

Other fucked up fucking pleasures include dressing up like animals and fucking, a roman shower, which is vomiting on someone sexually, because that is so desirable, and my personal favorite fuck fetish... teratophilia, which is the delicious attraction to people with deformities, such as amputees. However, there is a downside to teratophilia, and that is if you are also into feet, because you may not be getting a foot job from an amputee.

So where can you find all of these fascinating things to explore? Like coffee shops are here for our complicated orders, there is a wide variety of pornography for our fetish orders as well. Anything can be found on the internet, most likely including all of the things that I have discussed today. So if you're wondering why your girlfriend is pissing all over you while you read this, it could be one of two answers. The first, is that she may have read this post just ten minutes before you, and is inspired to spice up your sex life by donating her bodily fluids. The second, is because it's sexy.

She Must Like Rice

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